


belief

by worstgirl



Category: Original Work
Genre: Angels, Angst, Attempted Suicide, Character Study, F/F, Fallen Angels, Feelings of Inadequacy, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, Lesbian, Lesbians, Suicidal Thoughts, Trigger Warnings, minor descriptions of self harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-23
Updated: 2019-12-23
Packaged: 2021-02-25 23:20:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,357
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21923551
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/worstgirl/pseuds/worstgirl
Summary: would your angels even give a damn?would you give a damn?—“You left me! You dropped me here, and you don’t even care! I was yours, I was good, I was perfect for you, and you didn’t even give a damn!”
Relationships: Original Female Character/Original Female Character
Comments: 4
Kudos: 12





	belief

Sera stared at the mug sitting on the counter. It was that same one as before, the stupid cartoon bear staring at her with its lopsided eyes and messed up slogan. It was another constant reminder of how much she’d fallen. 

The house was silent, almost stiflingly so. It felt like she was going to be smothered by the silence if she sat in it for one more moment. She felt like she was about to scream, but she kept her mouth shut. 

What had she done to deserve this? She shut her eyes tightly, like she could stop thinking if she just shut them tight enough. That didn’t help. It felt like someone had dragged all her bad memories to the top, pulling them, kicking and screaming, to the forefront of her mind. Her stupid treacherous heart. Why had she been made this way? Why, if He’d made all of them, if He’d made her, if He was all powerful and awe inspiring, had she been made like this? 

She remembered the feeling of Heylel’s cheek, soft and slightly pockmarked against her lips, that first night in the graveyard. She remembered the burning feeling of losing everything holy inside herself, the physical falling, the feeling of helplessness in her gut when she woke up to Heylel’s dark eyes and the ceiling in her apartment. 

The anger built up like vomit in her gut. She didn’t deserve this. 

No, she definitely deserved this. It was all her fault, wasn’t it? She’d spent centuries being good, shoving it all down. It was bound to catch up to her sooner or later. 

That didn’t change the fact that she didn’t belong here. She didn’t belong on Earth, with all these humans and birds and crime and hatred, she didn’t fit in with mortals. Heylel made it look so easy to not care what others thought of her. She made it seem like it was supposed to be where she was. 

Sera wanted to go home. It was so easy to fall asleep tangled up with Heylel, to feel like her heart was going to explode when they kissed, to turn to her and smile easily, but she was sure she could go back. She had to go back, had to go home. 

She supposed that’s how she found herself here, staring at the shattered mug in her hands and the red, slick blood on her palm. That was one thing she’d had to get used to when she’d become mortal. Bleeding was odd, pain felt wrong, but it was oddly addictive. It was intriguing, how it felt. 

Her eyes shut, and she felt the tingling sensation of her miracles knitting her skin together, leaving only a thin pink line. It would fade soon enough. 

Heylel didn’t notice for a long time. Sera didn’t do it when she was in the house— it would be too suspicious, having her walk in on Sera staring at the red dripping down her hand and stitching it back together, before doing it all over again. 

It was a simple solution, she knew. The easiest way for a mortal to get to heaven was death. And sure, this was technically a sin, but maybe the good would outweigh the bad. Maybe, just maybe, she was good enough to go home. 

The sun was setting over the city skyline. They were just close enough to the edge of town for her to be able to see the sky turn from orange to purple to blue. The wind blew at her back, making her hair whip into her eyes, her skirt catch at her legs as she stood on the roof. 

She barely even realized the tears in her eyes until the sunset blurred. “Look at me!” She cried out, face turned to the sky, where the purple melted into blue. “Do you even hear me?” She didn’t even care about all the humans, all the people who could hear her. 

“You left me! You dropped me here, and you don’t even care!” A sharp bite of pain flashed in her palms, and it felt like it usually did, nails into skin. “I was yours, I was good, I was perfect for you, and you didn’t even give a damn!” The tears down her face flowed freely now, and she didn’t bother wiping them away. “You just threw me away, you pushed me out of my home, but I have to come back, I belong there!” 

She barely even realized she was close to the edge, reaching towards the sky, like she could fly again. Where were her wings, why couldn’t she see, why couldn’t she go home, she wanted to go home! 

She heard a cry of her name from behind her as her foot slipped, and for a moment, she felt like she was flying. Everything seemed to slow down and in some other place, some other time, she blinked her six eyes, and extended her wings, and took off, diving through the clouds and exploding into the empty sky above. 

Then she felt a hand on her skirt, dragging her back to reality. Her feet scrambled for a purchase on the roof as arms wrapped around her waist, pulling her further onto the solid surface. “Let me go, let me go!” She barely even processed what she was saying, but she noticed the familiarity of the arms. 

Heylel. 

God, of course it was her. Dimly, in some far away reaches of her mind, she heard the taller girl’s words. “Ser, Ser, calm down, just listen to me, you’re safe, I’m here, please—“ She sounded desperate. Why did she sound so desperate? Why did she care so goddamn much?

“I wanna go home.” The words seemed to tear themselves from her chest, but she stopped trying to fight the arms pulling her back, and she went limp, the only movement being her shaking shoulders. Heylel turned her around, holding her close to her chest, and Sera had to grip onto her, to remind herself that someone was there, someone was there for her. “I wanna go home, Lel, why can’t I go home, why don’t they want me? I was good, I was so good, and—“

“Shh, shh.” Heylel murmured, hands stroking Sera’s head. That felt nice, the long fingers brushing through her hair. “I know— I know you miss it. I do too, sometimes.” It took all Sera’s strength to keep her sobs to a minimum as she curled closer. Heylel lowered them down to the roof, pulling Sera in and holding her tight in her lap. “But you can’t make Him love you, you can’t make yourself belong.” Then there were hands on her cheeks, tilting her head up. She blinked again, eyesight still a bit blurred. Then again, when wasn’t it nowadays? “But this is what we have. It’s not heaven, but we can make it our heaven. Even if He is a self-righteous, bigoted ass— idiot, He still gave you to me. And me to you. We can be together, and spend our whole lives making this a place for us.” Heylel’s thumb brushed away the tears on her cheek, gentle and strong. “How does that sound?” 

Sera blinked, sniffling just the smallest bit. “I love you.” She said, her voice soft and a bit hoarse from her crying. 

That made Heylel’s lips tug into a smile, and Sera’s heart felt like it had started to warm just the slightest bit. “I love you too.” She said gently, kissing Sera’s nose. Sera let her eyes close, losing herself in the feeling. It gave a similar rush as the bleeding did, but a lot better. “Let’s get you inside, okay? And we can talk.”

One last time, she glanced back at the sunset, the colours blending into darkness, and she felt some of the darkness inside her seep away. Light could still fade into dark, but no matter how many sunsets there were, the sun would rise again. 

Sera let herself be pulled to her feet. As she tucked herself into Heylel’s side, the world didn’t feel quite so dark anymore. 

**Author's Note:**

> so uh this is kind of a vent fic? i’m okay ish but i just. Hoo boy.
> 
> i know most of y’all are here for the fanfiction but i haven’t had much inspiration recently. i’ll probably still be posting some, when my mental health gets better and i feel up to it. until then, enjoy this. 
> 
> stay safe, and stay wonderful, loves.
> 
> ~ percy


End file.
